So it’s exactly two weeks before I hop on my plane to New Zealand. I’m full of excitement, anxiousness, relief, stress, frustration, sorrow, fear, doubt, and uncertainty all mushed into a lasagna of emotion.
I’m excited that I’m finally moving into the next stage of my life. I really hope this program will prepare me and give me the credibility for saving the world. But I’m also eager to just get out of my hometown and into the outside. I never really had that “going away to college” experience, so I guess this is it.
I’m frustrated that all the little pieces of this endeavor aren’t fitting perfectly together as I hoped it would. I shouldn’t be as surprised, knowing that Murphy’s Law ALWAYS applies when it comes to passports, visas, and such. There’s always that gap between knowing God holds all things in His hands, and actually believing it.
It’ll definitely be difficult leaving my life here in L.A. It’s become so familiar and comfortable. I’m worried about leaving my mom on her own. I will miss my close-knit group of friends – the ones who I’ve shared life with. And it will be difficult to break away from my settled weekly routine.
There’s also an uneasy fear. On one hand, I’m afraid that I’ll struggle with my classes, won’t have enough clothes, not like the food, won’t make new friends…you know, stupid stuff. Yet I’m also afraid that I might be making the wrong decision…
Many I know have voiced that this is a rash, unwise, or quick decision. In some ways it is, and I ask myself all the time whether or not it’s the right path. For rationality’s sake, I’ve done my homework. It’s an internationally recognized school, I get my master’s in a year, it’s at a fairly affordable price, blah blah blah. But is it what God wants for me, or did I just jump into it?
I admit I haven’t really spent hours of prayer or received some sort of divine sign. It was just something that interested me, and I just tried it. Erwin McManus says in his book, “When we are passionate about God, we can trust our passions.” That’s how I’ve tried to live most of my life. My prayers have mostly been, “God, I think this is where you’re calling me, so I’ll just run for it.” If I’m wrong, I believe God is faithful to nudge me in the right direction.
So as I’m scrambling to get everything in place, I stand at the edge of an unknown path, the next leg of my journey. I thank everyone who has walked with me on this journey thus far. With excitement and uncertainty, I stand with open hands, knowing that I am always held in His.